I am a Compassion Blogger. The following post has been written on behalf of Compassion Blog Month.
I was asked by Compassion International to write a blog post to my childhood self sharing the words of encouragement I needed to hear.
****************************************************************
There she stood with her head always hanging low and her eyes to the floor.
Her hand-me-down clothes hung on her frail frame, as she worked on becoming as invisible as she could day after day.
This little girl wanted nothing more than to feel loved and wanted, but could never seem to find what she was looking for – without it coming with a high cost to pay.
When she thought she found it, it was always a warped version of love that usually involved some sort of abuse or manipulation.
It just continued to reinforce the message that she did not deserve to have real love.
I think of my childhood self and how alone she felt.
All I want to do is scoop this misunderstood child of God into my arms and tell her that this is not how her story will end!
I want her to know that while all the statistics have already determined that she will carry on the legacy of poverty, shame, and addiction to the next generation – this will not be her story.
I would tell her that she is the exception to the rule!
I would tell her that there is someone who can offer her true love – even when all of the people who are supposed to love and protect her have misused her or walked away.
It’s no secret that I had a childhood that was filled with the kind of violence, poverty, and abuse that damages a child.
I have spoken openly about it here before.
By the time I was 10 years old, I had witnessed violence and abuse like no one should see.
There are images that are so deeply embedded in my memories, that I wonder if they will always be there.
I spent most of my early years dealing with abuse from one adult or another.
Until the day came when someone finally noticed and took me away, only to live in and out of foster homes and youth facilities, where even more abuse happened at the hands of adults who were supposed to be there to protect me from the other adults who were abusing me.
How confusing to this little girl.
I learned very early on that I was unlovable and people were not to be trusted – especially adults.
As this little girl grew up she became hardened and untrusting of everyone, including God.
She heard a lot of messages that brought her to these conclusions, and I would like her to know that there are some messages she couldn’t hear through all the noise that was happening around her.
I would tell her that these people cannot give something they don’t have.
They were broken and hurt people who were left unable to do anything else but pass on their brokenness.
They were not a reflection of true love which can only come from one!
I would tell her that she has a heavenly Father who would never hurt or forsake her.
I would tell her that she is a princess whose daddy is THE King of Kings!
I needed to hear these words when I was a child.
I needed to know what my true identity was.
When my daughter was little I spent so much time making sure she knew this truth.
Making sure she knew that even if her earthly parents weren’t perfect, she had a heavenly Father who loves her so much that he would do anything for her.
I would tell her that this too shall pass.
I remember thinking the horror that I lived through would last forever.
Almost all of my early memories were so tainted by addiction and abuse that it became my reality.
I couldn’t see light anywhere, and I never saw a way out.
When you are in the midst of this kind of existence it’s hard to even imagine any other way of life.
I would give her a glimpse of the amazing things she would see and do in her adult life.
I would show her that things would be different one day, and that her life could be filled with laughter instead of tears.
I would tell her that she does not cry alone.
I would make sure she knows a nugget of truth that I learned not too many years ago. God cries with you.
I had such a warped view of who God was and I believe it came from thinking he saw what was happening and did nothing.
But He knows the beginning from the end and how all things will work together for good.
I know that in those dark hours when I thought I was crying alone under my covers hoping no one would visit in the middle of the night, God cried with me.
Psalm 56:8 You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.
I would tell myself that I am not alone.
During those long moments of darkness that I was forced to live through, He was always there with me too.
Even as I write this, I know I am watching my words because I do not intend to hurt those who hurt me with this post.
I firmly believe that God has given me this story to tell and I can’t not tell it.
I think of all the kids around the world who are dealing with some of the same things I lived through.
I know that for some of them, their stories will be worse.
I know that God loves them and wants them to know these same things I would tell my childhood self.
Stacie @ The Divine Miss Mommy says
This is beautiful. I hope she listens.
Jen says
What a courageous & heartfelt post, Kristi! I know it’s so hard to put yourself out there & share something so difficult, but God will bless you for it & use your words to reach others who need to hear firsthand about His amazing love that can overcome anything and feel hope after seeing how He has changed your life!
Crystal @ Simply Being Mommy.com says
Oh Kristie. My heart aches for your childhood, what you experienced and saw. But look at the person you’ve become. Strong and bold with such a beautiful spirit. I’m so happy to hear that you’ve broken the cycle and you are in a better place.
Brandy says
I could not have said this more myself. “you were unable to hear the words, due to all the noise around you” and “you could not see the light for all the darkness around you” … I often have to give similar encouraging words to my daughter who has some issues going on herself, they do not pertain to my household but her Dad’s and this past year I found faith and really have tried to share with her that strength and love that faith can make you feel. I feel so complete now and I can only hope that warmth and feeling will be passed along to my children. Great post, hugs Mama!
Allyson Bossie says
Your story as a survivor is heart rending, yet hopeful. It gives hope to those being abused now, hope that their is an end! I told my sister just Saturday that some parents teach you how to love, be wonderful parents, and other parents teach you the kind of mother you never want to be. My sister and I had the latter mother. We suffered abuse, lived with addiction,etc and we too are survivors. Sure, we have a lot of “Baggage” but we got out and never looked back at the pain and suffering my mother well hid behind a pious mask of religion. Her church family today would never believe what we lived through. Abuse happens everywhere and spares no one
Jenn @therebelchick says
Kristie, you are SO BRAVE for sharing your story here, and for being such a survivor. I’m sending your child self a gigantic hug. xoxo
tina franzen says
Oh Kristie, This is beautiful and heart-wrenching at the same time. I too was a product of bad parenting and foster care so I can empathize with your thoughts and feelings. I cried while reading this, but what really hit me was this: “I would give her a glimpse of the amazing things she would see and do in her adult life. I would show her that things would be different one day, and her life could be filled with laughter instead of tears” because it hits home. Coming from a poor family from Detroit you often become a product of your environment, but I was given a chance at a better life (Thank GOD).
THank you so very much for sharing this. You are a beautiful, strong woman and I wish you continued strength and lost of love from those around you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! XO
tina franzen says
*lots of love. GEESH! sorry.
Colleen says
What a brave woman to share such a story, my heart goes out to your younger self and am happy you have found strength in the healing of God
Katie says
Thank you for not only being so brave in sharing your story, but for hopefully inspiring others who are in a bad place to find faith and work to better their future.
Susie says
Kristie,
What beautiful woman you have become. I am so sorry to hear what your childhood was like. I was a foster mom for many years and it sickens me to hear about the horrors people experienced while in “care”. I loved everyone that came into my home, 37 total little angels. I adopted my youngest, she has been my reason to exist for many years.
tina franzen says
For what it’s worth, Thank you for being a foster parent!!!!!!!!!!! You are a true hero!
Kristie Sawicki says
I agree! I am thankful for those who offer up their families to foster other kids. I am sure my situation is not the norm and there are lots of great foster families out there.
LyndaS says
So touching. I am sorry that you had to endure and see what you did, but glad that you know so much better now and have broken that vicious cycle. Thanks for finding the courage to share your story.
Gwendolyn M says
Thank you for sharing. I can only imagine how hard it was to expose that part of yourself. God had great plans for you and it is amazing to hear your testimony. It is something we sometimes forget that He is always there even when we don’t realize.
Brenda B says
Thank you for sharing such a painful and sad part of your life. I have much admiration for you and appreciate you everyday! You are a blessing in my life, God is good…all the time!
Big Cyber Hugs, my sister in Christ,
Brenda
Carolyn G says
What a touching post. You are an inspiration to those children and adults who still suffer abuse. You are a beautiful person.
Leah says
What a great post. Very inspirational!!! I’m glad that your life went down a different path.
Kristie Sawicki says
Thanks so much Leah!
LaTisha says
What a touching story! I am so glad that you had the courage to share this as I’m sure it is will continue to be an inspriration for those who went through the same and feel alone.
Theresa @ Faith and Family Reviews says
I think God was the only thing that got me through parts of my childhood, I wish you had known him then too. So glad you do now and that your life went a completely different path than it could have…..gotta love God’s redemptive power.
Kristie Sawicki says
I think I knew parts of him, but my understanding was so corrupted that I am still getting to know Him more and more everyday.
Annette Lowe says
I too know of abuse at the hands of those we should trust the most and grew into an adult scared and untrusting. When my first child was born I was terrified I would make the same mistakes and asked God to help me be a better person. I do not attend a church but have always believed in a higher power. I also believe he never gives us more than we can handle. So my experiences have taught me to be a loving and nurturing mother. I never lie to my kids about my past abuse or the mis-steps I made trying to be who I am today and with that honesty I have 3 amazing young adults now who are the light of my life. I respect and admire your honesty with the world it is often tough to open the wounds again but also so necessary so others can see healing is possible.
Katrina says
You are an inspiration and I am in awe of the incredible courage you have to speak so opening about your past.
Kristie Sawicki says
Thanks Katrina 🙂
Billie says
I’m so very glad that you found a different path rather than remaining on the broken one. It takes an amazing amount of courage and inner strength to write like you have and not lash out or bash those that mistreated you.
Kristie Sawicki says
Thank you for your kind words.
Lisa says
Oh Kristie, it’s amazing how God can redeem such ugliness. You have such an incredible platform and I appreciate your openness and vulnerability! As a mom who is raising kids who have been through much of the same ugliness, I hope and pray that the abuse and abandonment they’ve experienced will be used by God for good.
Kristie Sawicki says
I love that your girls are now in a safe place where they know the Father’s love for them. Thanks for your kind words 🙂
Rachel says
This leaves me with such a feeling of hope and inspiration. Thank you for sharing – I know it can’t be easy to remember your childhood when it was so horrible – but beauty can grow out of such awful situations. (((hugs)))
Kristie Sawicki says
Thanks Rachel, I agree that beauty can grow out of ugliness.