This month is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month.
“Today we remember all of the angels who earned their wings too soon, the babies born sleeping and those we carried but never had a chance to hold”
Any time someone asks me if I have any children, I can’t help but hesitate before offering them the answer that I know they really want to hear, instead of the truth as I know it to be.
I have 5 children, three of them are waiting for me in heaven.
I had a couple of miscarriages that have resulted in me only raising 2 children.
Although I may never understand why this happened, I trust that the Lord does and I am thankful for the children I do have with me.
I gave birth to my daughter when I was only 16.
It was a difficult pregnancy and birth that almost resulted in my death.
You can read more of that story here.
During the following 4 years, I suffered 2 miscarriages.
One was during my first trimester and one was during the second trimester, although they both hurt the same.
I was carrying twins during the second miscarriage.
Then the Lord blessed me with my son, my rainbow baby, and I am SO very thankful for him!
I spent years keeping my miscarriages hidden, like some deep, dark secret.
I’m not exactly sure why.
I think I might have attached some shame to it as though there was something wrong with me or my body that would make me reject the pregnancies.
And I realize now how awful my distorted thinking was during that part of my life.
I felt like I was alone and had no one to talk to about my feelings, until several years ago when I first heard Angie Smith’s testimony at a blogger conference I attended.
Before she began to speak she asked the room of women if they had ever lost a child in any way to please stand up.
I was afraid to stand until I saw that the majority of the room was standing with me.
It still amazes me how strong Angie was in sharing her personal story which you can read here.
Miscarriage and infant loss affects 1 in every 4 pregnancies, and I am one of them.
It has been over 20 years since I gave birth to my son.
I hear those around me talk about how glad they are to be done with that part of their lives, but I have to admit that I’ve never felt finished.
My arms still ache to hold any baby I see.
In fact, my husband and I had hoped to be blessed with another baby for many years, when we made the decision that we were ready for at least one more.
Month after month we waited and trusted that God has a perfect plan for our life together, even if it didn’t include another baby.
Although that didn’t make the longing go away.
Last year I shared a status on Facebook about how I am part of the 1 in 4 and I was surprised by the response from all of you letting me know I am not alone. Somehow that really does offer me some comfort today.
So I am writing this post for those of you who are also part of the 1 in 4 in the hopes that I can offer you some of that same comfort of knowing you are not alone today.
We do not need to carry this hidden hurt in secret any longer.
Nancy says
I am also 1 in 4; I recently began donating blood, and one of the many questions they ask are “If Female, have you had more than one pregnancy?”. I had 3, but only have one living son. I also had a miscarriage in my first trimester, and a stillborn son after my son was born. When I asked the nurse at the blood bank why they want to know, she said that women who have had more than one pregnancy have a different “element” in their blood that the blood bank needs to be aware of. Hmmm…guess that’s another reason to not keep it to myself anymore.
Beth S. says
I am also 1 in 4. Thank you for sharing your story. I also had a 1st trimester and a 2nd trim. loss. The 2nd trimester loss, which was a few months ago, was very shocking. But by God’s grace he shared his strength with me in my time of weakness. I hope I’m able to use my experience to help others. I believe God has a plan for everything, and I’m looking forward to the future he has for me, as I follow his will for my life. And what gets me through each day, is knowing I will one day be with the babies I lost. They are safe in the arms of Jesus until then. Thanks again for sharing!
MiMi says
I’ve suffered from 6 miscarriages and I’ve lost a son to SIDS when he was 2 1/2 months old. I have four living children, 3 girls and the youngest being a boy. It bothers me when people ask me how many children I have and to avoid giving them the story of my son dying, I will just say I have four… because I’m only able to hold four. When I say I’ve had five children I’m always questioned .. o’ where is he?. I’ve even snapped at people when they ask me if I kept having kids to try for a boy .. I shouldn’t have to justify to anyone why my family is the size that it is. I’ll never get over any of the loss, I have to embrace the tragic details just so I can move forward. I still cry and my 1st son has been gone for six years already.
Tabitha says
🙁 I am as well. I think one of the hardest parts for me is that I can’t even count him/her as a baby(in the doctor’s eyes) because the pregnancy wasn’t confirmed. Even though I KNOW he/she was real.
MKN says
I just became 1 in 4 last month…I did not realize or was able to comprehend the level of grief that I felt for a child I never met and carried for such a short period of time.
Kristie Sawicki says
Oh my heart is aching for you. I totally understand how you must be feeling and I pray the pain eases. Thank you so much for sharing this with me (hugs)
Heidi M. says
It’s so nice to know that I am not alone in missing my infant daughter who went Home before me. I am so eternally grateful that God pointed me to an herbalist who identified the problem as low hormones and put me on an herbal remedy that saved my sweet son less than a year later. The doctor said the first experience of severe bleeding during pregnancy was a fluke and didn’t know how to handle the issue the second time. Everyone has different physiological reasons for early delivery and my “fix” may not save every other baby, but my prayer is that my testimony will save at least some little lives of those whose mommies (like me) didn’t know that they could be saved with the right remedy.
Amy says
I, too, am 1 in 4. I have 3 children, 1 with me here, 2 in heaven. Both of my losses were in the first trimester, one before we saw a heartbeat, one after. It was a struggle to get pregnant with the babies that I ultimately lost. And here I am, almost a year after losing the 2nd one, still not pregnant. I’m hoping that changes today as we are having IUI #5. It’s a hard thing to share, thank you for giving me a place to do so!
Kristie Sawicki says
I really appreciate you being so honest with your story, thank you!
Mary S says
I also am 1 of the 1 in 4. I never mention this except to talk to my niece ,who also lost one of her babies. After several miscarriages, we finally had a son who is autistic, then another miscarriage,before having another son,also autistic from the age of 2. I have so many people tell me they would not have had another child knowing it could end up autistic,if they were in my shoes.I love the ones I have here with all my heart and wish I could have had the chance to raise my other babies too,special needs or not.
Erica E says
My husband and I lost 4 babies, the last one was a ruptured tube that put me in emergency surgery to remove it. The roller coaster ride of emotions was the difficult part of it all. We now have a precious daughter through adoption and we had the great priviledge of being in the room when she was born.
shelly r says
I too am one of the 1 in 4..while I am so thankful for my 2 children, there are 6 angels out there that I never got to hold..and I too had a set of twins. I always visioned myself being a mom of 3, but after the birth of my son, I just knew in my heart that I could not bear another loss after the ones I had already experienced. I keep a small figurine of an angel holding a child’s hand on my kitchen windowsill, that I think of as my way to remember the ones I lost (not that you ever forget them). I also make sure to let others know they are not alone when they confide they too have had losses – I hate how it is such a ‘taboo’ topic.
Holly says
I agree to many keep it hidden and too many are never shown the proper respect of losing a child, whether 2 days past conception or 20 years old a loss of a child is forever.
Lisa says
You stole the words out of my mouth. I too have 6 children, with 2 here I get to hold in my arms and 4 I hold in my heart. I always hesitate as well. I hate that question because of it. I have also never felt finished. I think if the choice was mine I would feel finished, but I feel I was robbed of that choice. But I have/had faith that God has His plan. I never questioned it (well not for more than mere seconds). For whatever reason, my son was the one that is supposed to be here. I thank God for our blessings here and the ones we will one day meet. I also find such comfort (and then guilt for it) by knowing I am so far form alone in this struggle and heartache. ((HUGS)) to you for being so open. I am always open about it, but I’m not a “famous” person like you 😉
Mrs. Weber says
My heart goes out to you today and always. I hope you find comfort knowing there are some little angels who will be able to finally be able to call you mama when you’re called to heaven.
Thank you for being brave and sharing this. Though I have not experienced the pain of a miscarriage myself, some of my best friends have and I think about those babies each and every day. They may not be here on earth, but they’re forever in our hearts. xox
JessieLeigh says
Thank you for sharing your story– it is one more of us need to open up about. I have three children with me here… but I should also have had a newborn. That precious little one is in the arms of her Father. It is a difficult tale to tell and I always stumble when people ask how many children I have… or just assume I’d be done. Thank you for shining the light on this conversation.
Angela B. says
I AM 1 IN 4…..
Kalene says
Mom I love you!
You are such an amazing woman And so strong.
Kristie Sawicki says
Love you too sweetie <3
Nicole Flowers says
I am so proud of the women who shared their stories. I am 1 in 4 as well, and although it has been 5 years this month since I lost my son he is forever in my thoughts.
Kristie Sawicki says
Thanks for sharing Nicole!
Rachel Ramey says
Excellent post. Thank you for sharing your heart.
I’m grateful for the times and the places that it’s “okay” to acknowledge that those babies we lost are our children, too.
Alison says
Your story gave me chills. And no we do not need to keep this hidden. I also should have 4 children.. just not 2.
Kristie Sawicki says
Thanks so much for understanding as I know you do <3