Dealing With Empty Nest Syndrome can be tough but it does get better.
Whether your little one is heading off to school for the first time or if you have young adults on their way to college, this can be a tough transition, but I promise it gets better!
I knew the day would come when my kids would decide they were ready to leave the nest.
I mean I knew it, but I guess I just never really knew what that would look like.
And I certainly was not prepared to just sit back while they did it all, practically on their own. I have always been a very hands-on parent which was one of the reasons we began homeschooling, and I suppose I just assumed I would continue to be that way forever.
Of course, that would not have been healthy or realistic, and they were both so determined to do this grown-up thing with very little help from mom or dad. This came as quite a blow to us, and we took it very personally.
What I didn’t expect was the wave of emotions that would follow.
FEAR
REJECTION
SHAME
I wasn’t sure what was happening with me or why I was drowning in these negative emotions.
It felt like I had no one to talk to who could possibly understand how crazy I was feeling inside. What I have since found out is that this is actually a very common, and dare I say somewhat normal response, especially for mothers.
It is a very real thing called Empty Nest Syndrome.
I admit that I struggled with this evil mixture for many weeks before I came to the conclusion that I was not living my life in a way that would be pleasing to God.
In fact, I was grieving the loss of a child who was not even gone.
I was grieving the loss of the child I had invented in my own mind instead of rejoicing in the fact that we had raised a young adult who was brave and eager to take on a world that many their age are not ready to face.
They are far from perfect, but well on their way. However, I am sure I will have to live the next chapter of my story with them with my eyes half shut, so as not to freak out over every mistake I can see coming a mile away.
The truth is that what we have done as parents is raise very independent young adults and that’s not a negative thing. In fact, I believe it will become a great thing.
But in the meantime, I was not at all prepared to just take a back seat after spending so much time trying to sit in the driver’s seat. It was very difficult for me to wake up day after day and not see them each morning.
As I have entered this new unknown territory, I am learning what it means to be the mom in a whole new way to very strong young adults.
My role has changed once again just when I was settling into the role of the parent of a teenager.
This is all so new to me and I feel as though each time I enter a new season in parenting they get to experience all of my mistakes. But I know God allows us to make mistakes so he can step in and show us just how big he is when He turns our mistakes into something beautiful.
The empty nest is really just another chance for me to grow.
If you have ever dealt with this I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.
The first Sat. in May last year, my youngest, my daughter, got married and moved out & on. It wasn’t unexpected at all, they had dated for 4 years. The first Sat. in June, last year, my oldest son was married, he had already moved out about 3 years prior but still was in & out quite a bit. A few weeks after his wedding, his younger brother, our middle child, decided it was time for him to get out on his own and off he went. After years of wondering if they would ever leave, the boys were then 30 & 27, they were gone. The middle son will be married the end of June. I,too, was very unprepared for the emotions. I can say they have gotten some better but it is different. Some of it good, as in if we want to eat dinner in front of the tv, we can, if we want to go out to eat, we can! I am also involved with children’s ministries at church so I can enjoy those little ones but was thankful to read, I am not alone!
Do you think how we raise children in today’s society has anything to do with this? I think we are far more “child-centric” today than ever before. Often, we totally wrap our lives around our children. We want little “Buford or Bufordina” to want for nothing, to be deliriously happy in every way, shape & form. Then, when it is time for them to fly the nest, we fall apart. That was not how my parents raised me(I’m 65…a baby boomer.) They had lives apart from me in a very healthy way. I think my generation moved a little further in that direction & from what I see of the 30 something parents of today…they are headed there full steam ahead. It is my understanding God gave (loaned) children to us to not only guide & direct them towards an active Faith, but for our growth in relationship to our Heavenly Father as well. In fact, I think I have learned & grown more spiritually during my time as a parent than perhaps my children have. It’s like the old adage…the teacher ALWAYS learns more than the student!
Thank you so much for sharing this. I linked to your site from another blog, to check out a money saving deal, and “happened” to see this post listed on the sidebar. Most of your comments could be mine. We are moving our firstborn to a university in a week, and it’s harder than I ever thought it would be. He spent two years at a nearby community college, and since he wasn’t home much, I really thought that I could handle this next step fairly easily.
I was starting to think something was wrong with me, because none of my friends seem to be bothered as much as I have been. I know that God wants me to rely on Him, but I’ve spent weeks worrying and crying at the slightest things. I appreciate hearing thoughts from someone who is going through this too.
God bless you!
Michele, I am so glad that you reached out to me. I totally understand the feeling that something is wrong with you. Trust me it does get easier and I am saying this from experience. I look back now and think how silly I was, but our feeling are real and we need to go through it you know what I mean. Congrats on your son going to collge that an awesome thing to celebrate!!
Thank you so much for the encouragement! I really feel like God led me to your post and He has been showing me His love in other ways, too. Thank you for being a part of that. I bet if we were neighbors, we would have some great talks over tea or coffee!
I know exactly what your going through. I have 4 grown children and an 11-year old at home and I’ve been thinking about that day when I will no longer have a child at home to raise.
The truth is, it sucks. Everyone talks about the day you can do what you want, when you want. I could care less. I keep thinking about the day my last child will leave my nest and I’m dreading it. Maybe part of that reason is that it will mean I am officially old. Uggg!!! I also haven’t accepted the fact that the role I’ve been playing since I was 18 years old is coming to a close sooner than I thought it would. The reality of it is scary.
I’m trying to hang on to every moment that I have left with my youngest and enjoying being a grandmother to 4 kids with 1 more on the way. It still feels weird being a grandmother when I’m still raising 1 child at home. So many mixed feelings.
Be proud that you raised an independent and smart young woman. Treasure each and every moment you have with her and know that you did the job God gave you to do.
P.S. She will always need her mom!
I know what you are talking about!!! I have 5 children two are married and one just left for college last year. There really wasn’t a problem with the first two, I had a whole nother family to keep me busy but NOW it’s getting tough. Last year it was my last girl that left, fortunately her college is not very far away so I see her about once a month. But I have two boys that will be graduating at the same time next year…at 20 years of homeschooling I’m already floundering! Why does change always have to be so messy? It was hard enough just realizing that they don’t need me as much as they used to….I’ve already had a melt down but I’ve figured out if I JUST LET GO EASILY and give them to God he won’t have to RIP THEM out of my hands. We’ll see how well I’ve learned that leason when next Spring comes around…..and time is going SO FAST!!!
PS: I love the part about keeping your eyes half shut “so as not to freak out over every mistake I can see coming a mile away.” 😎
Yes, it’s hard to let go, but it is also very necessary. We mothers do damage both to our offspring and to ourselves when we cling too tightly. I am dealing with this myself, as we have one child married, one who has spent six months teaching in the Middle East, and two more graduating college next month. Even though that still leaves eight at home, the absence of the older ones is/will be felt by all. That is one reason I keep an empty nest list… http://lovinglifeathome.wordpress.com/2012/04/01/my-empty-nest-list/
Thanks Jennifer that’s a great reminder list!
Although our nest is definitely not empty (we have 8 children), our oldest did start college in the fall and chose to live on campus. Even though his college is close to home, he’s not here… in our home. I can relate to every single thing you said in your post. At first I was so sad. Almost feeling that we must have done something wrong for him to want to move out. But, he’s doing well. He was ready to “take on the world” as you put it. I know God has great plans for him, it’s just hard to let them go. Thanks for posting that. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.
Thank you for this! I especially like what you said about raising an independent daughter, which is what I have done also. And that’s a GOOD thing…albeit making you feel a little unneeded! 🙂 Great article!
I know exactly how you feel. My son didn’t even move out permanently, he just left for college, but it has been really difficult. I miss him. I hate that I don’t know what’s going on in his every day life, and it makes me sad that he doesn’t seem to need me anymore. He has come home to visit 4 times, and every time I take him back, it breaks my heart all over again. You are not alone!
I will be facing this myself in a few years, but I am actually looking forward to it! I can’t wait to see my daughter grow and become an adult – because I can’t wait to see what kind of woman she is going to turn into! But when the time comes, I will probably freak out and adopt a new puppy.
I thought I would be fine with it until it happened lol. Funny thing is we almost went out and got a new puppy.
Sorry that you’re struggling sweetie 🙁 Thankfully we have hope even in our struggles that He is changing us to be more like His son. I know you are a woman of strong faith, and am guessing that our Creator is just using this as a way to pull you closer to Him. We are blessed to have a Father who cares so much for us, that he continually uses our circumstances to bring us close. I will be praying for you tonight. That He will give you peace and joy. Love you (((Hugs)))
I have a feeling I will go through this too when my girls are older =/
Still hard to believe you are old enough to have one leaving the nest! Ha! My Dad struggled BIG TIME when I left – and he is a psychologist! It’s very hard. Just be easy with yourself. Any life change like that can be tough and takes some getting used to. But she isnt leaving YOU, Mom – just remember that. It’s just time for her – with all of the lessons and guidance you have given her – to FLY.
Big hugs.
Thanks Lynsey I will continue to remind myself that this isn’t personal even when it feels like it is.
Kristie,
I’m going through this too. I feel just like you. It’s like reading my own writing. I feel so lost, so rejected. I keep asking God to show me what I’m supposed to do with the rest of my life. Lol. This really is a hard stage in life. I’m not really sure how I fit into her life or what my role is.
Two other moms and i decided to start praying together for our girls at the beginning of their senior year. All three girls are off at college and we’re still meeting and praying. We also talk a lot about where were at and its so helpful knowing your not going through this alone.
Thanks for posting this.
Thanks so much for your honesty, it helps to know we aren’t the only ones who go through things 🙂
I have thought about what it would be like when my boys leave home and it scares me and makes me sad. I can’t say I understand because I haven’t been through it but I’m sure it is difficult to go through. Congratulations on raising an independent woman that is brave enough to take life head on! Praying for comfort for you and your husband.
Thanks Andrea!
I’m glad you’re coming to terms with your feelings and trying to understand them.
I on the other hand, am thinking of clever ways to get my kids out of the house at 18 … military, college, circus, whatever it takes. 😉
I definitely agree with Jenn!! You look so young – and that being said – even with my kids being young still, I’m dreading when they leave. I just don’t know what it will be like – but I guess that’s our job as parents, to raise them up so they’ll leave (eventually.) And maybe start their own families…it’s just hard to imagine them not needing me at all anymore! sending you my love and prayers as you navigate this new season in life.
This is so scary. I’ll be facing it, myself, in a few more months!
Hang in there – you can get through this! (promise you’ll tell me the same thing in the fall) 😉