*UPDATE: After watching some of this interview with Josh Duggar’s parents, I feel this is even more important than ever.
My feelings are this: when you make a bad choice once you can call it a mistake. When you make it over and over, it is a choice.
Hearing his parents talk about how it progressed from offending sleeping older sisters on top of their clothes who were unaware to much younger awake sister under her clothes tells me that when he got away with it he became more bold and predatory.
THIS is why I have a problem with the whole story.
This is not a child that made a mistake, this is someone testing and perfecting their ways 🙁
We all have a sinful bent, and we all deserve forgiveness. I pray that now that it has been made public he will not give in to his sinful bent ever again.
Here is my original post:
I swear I said I wasn’t going to talk about this, but I just can’t not.
I have read both sides and everyone’s opinions on the matter and I just have to get this off my chest.
**Trigger Warning**
Monday marks the 26th anniversary of a day that forever changed me.
I’ve shared some of my story of sexual abuse here before.
Memorial Day has become a day that reminds me each year that evil absolutely does exist in this world and it usually comes in the form of a normal-looking person, not the scary stranger monster our parents warned us about and that we now warn our own kids about.
A grandpa, a family friend, a cousin, a father, a brother…
This wasn’t my first experience with this specific brand of evil. I know the feeling of having to live in the same home as my abuser. To walk past him in the hallway and secretly pray to become invisible, or at the very least to not do anything to cause attention to me.
Blaming myself for causing someone I loved to see me as a sexual object as young as six years old…
Pretending that I was normal and trying hard to make sense of the reality I had to endure during that time in my history.
Living with your abuser is hell on earth.
When the news of Josh Duggar exploded on my Facebook newsfeed I admit that I was torn.
My own history with sexual abuse is extensive, but I have come a long way.
Still, I found myself going back and forth between believing he deserves a chance to change and knowing that the likelihood of that happening was slim to none.
Do people with predatory behaviors really change?
Or do they simply hone their skills so they don’t get caught again? I just don’t know, I’m leaning towards the later.
“An untold story never heals. It just festers until it comes out in unwanted behavior.”
Reading the police reports showed me that this wasn’t just some naive teenage boy, coming of age and trying to make sense of his newfound sexuality.
It went on for an extended period of time, many times while the girls were unaware. At least once cornering a sister in the laundry room.
I was so disturbed by the whole thing and I found it hard to put into words exactly why (besides the obvious ones).
These are predatory behaviors, not normal and not okay.
I am a Christian, and I have worked hard over the years to find healing and freedom from the bondage of sexual abuse. I like to believe I have come a long way, even so far as understanding the role of sin that plays into a situation like this.
The reality is that this is not the kind of healing that just happens overnight. It takes years and countless episodes of making the decision to forgive to even get to a place where the sting is not so painful anymore. And yet, no matter how far I have come it is always there. A scar, faded as it may now be, still shows and has changed me forever.
The Christian response is that he is a sinner saved by grace and but for the grace of God go I…
My instant response is one of a good little Christian believing that he too deserves complete forgiveness.
Reading this article made me realize how damaging that initial response might be, especially for someone that still needs to go through the healing process.
And yet there was this dull nagging that continued to pull at my heart all through that night and then again as I went about my day yesterday and today until I realized why I was having such a difficult time getting past this newest horrific breaking news.
The trouble with all of this is that no one is really talking about his victims, I mean not really.
Almost every single thing I have read has been about him.
Even in his statement, he made it all about him.
“Twelve years ago, as a young teenager I acted inexcusably for which I am extremely sorry and deeply regret. I hurt others, including my family and close friends. I confessed this to my parents who took several steps to help me address the situation. We spoke with the authorities where I confessed my wrongdoing and my parents arranged for me and those affected by my actions to receive counseling. I understood that if I continued down this wrong road that I would end up ruining my life.“
It’s sensational.
It’s the new story, and it is all about him.
Once again at the expense of those closest to him. The collateral damage is devastating in these kinds of situations, even more so when it is in the public eye.
As for the parents and how they have chosen to deal, or not deal depending on where you stand on the whole thing, I would love to say I know exactly what I would have done. But the truth is I have never been faced with this issue with my own son thank God!
I believe I would have chosen the best way to bring healing and restoration to the entire family.
What I do know is that I would never have allowed a repeat offender anywhere near my daughter again after being made aware of the situation, so I am not sure how I would have been able to reconcile the two.
It’s our job to speak up for, to stand up for the innocent….not the perpetrator.
My heart is truly breaking for the entire family that now has to openly deal with the consequences and I pray that there would be justice, healing, and restoration.
I also pray that there would be true repentance.
I am thankful that this story has come out, now that it has been brought into the light there is hope that it might not happen again.
Ephesians 5:13
The best thing that happened to me was watching Phil Donahue and Oprah when I was a young adult. THEY told me it was not my fault. My FIRST abuser was my brother, who is seven years older than I am – someone who was supposed to protect me violated me. I wish it had only happened once and with only one person, but it was a relief to find out it was NOT my fault. Of course, I had never told my mother (my father was deceased). I got counseling at age 32, and the therapist said I was doing well. The thing is, it comes and goes, and news like Josh Duggar and his abuse of his sisters brings it all up again.
I pray Josh does nothing to his own beautiful little girl – my brother did abuse his sons, too. I pray the sisters who are married are getting a lot of support from their husbands, who may not have known anything about the abuse until now. I pray they are also getting some therapy, along with the other people, more sisters among them, who were trespassed against.
Kristie thanks for the topic. I am also a child of God and my brother did the unspeakable to me. Yes at first I clamed I did not now and that I was sleeping. Then to hear Oh it was just touching. …..well let me tell you it stays with you and all the therapy in the world cannot change what happened. God for me was the only one I could and can count on. I have had my secret for 28 years. Just recently I found others who were also his VICTIMS. I felt like I endured this to save my baby sister until last year when I was telling her what had happened she also said it happened to her. My heart broke. Then I found out he had also messed with his step daughter. Again another one. It is hard to say how may more their our. The court slapped his hand and he only got parole and is NOT registered as a sex offender. So for them to act as if nothing happened and that the girls have received therapy well doesn’t really sit well with me. The only thing that I did find out was that most boys who pray on little girls are victims of sexual crime as well. This would also be what happened to my brother. A neighbor hood boy molested him. So that is my terrible secret and I feel that any type of sexual divident should be made to be put on the sexual preditor list. Just a matter of time before they do it again. Lets face it NO justice was ever served for his victims.
Sara, I am SO sorry to hear this. Thank you for being so brave and sharing your story. I am a believer that there is a reason we were allowed to endure these horrible things and that when we share our stories we destroy the plan of the enemy and release others, and that is exactly what you have done.
Also, I totally understand enduring to protect siblings ((Hugs))
I will be praying for you, your sister, and your brother. It is true that many times those that hurt were also at some time hurt.
Thank you again for trusting me with your heart, it means so much to me <3
I so appreciate your perspective on this issue. I do not know your story, but their is one point in your article that I have seen over and over again that is, according to research untrue, or at least not applicable in Josh Duggar’s case. While adult sexual predators are often likely to reoffend, juviniles are not. Treated, 7%-13% will reoffend, untreated the number is 18%. Here is where that info comes from. http://www.practicenotes.org/vol7_no2/understand_jso.htm
Thanks for the link, I did actually know about those statistics. However I am not sure I would agree that the statistics would apply to Josh since he did continue to reoffend for several years according to the police reports. That is exactly where my concern comes from, the fact that this wasn’t a one time event or even a one time period event.
Still, I have always loved the Duggars and I pray that they can all find healing and restoration.
I also read the police report and victim interviews from 2006 and it seemed to me the incidences took place over the course of 1 year and I believe it was once per victim (that the victim was aware of, anyhow.) Did I misread them?
Thank you kristie for your thoughtfull, well articulated voice. After ministering to a good number of broken abused people, I honestly can’t agree with you more. The devastation from abuse can be healed, but it is a painstaking process this side of eternity. The abusers can be forgiven, but must bear the weight and consequences of their sinful choices. It’s truly heartbreaking for everyone involved , leaving a trail of tears that I know run down the face of God.
Thank you Janine! I truly believe there can be healing but I don’t believe things ever can be the same again.